so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
