I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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