She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
