she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
