Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
