i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Someone signed my nipple.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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