you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
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Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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