You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
