fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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