I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
