So drunk its hurt
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If I die, sorry about rent.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
