You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
