If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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