Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
