you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
