we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Also, beer. Big fan.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
