is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
