i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Boobs speak an international language.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I wear drunk well.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
