Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
