She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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