Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
