i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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