this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
