remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
