Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
