Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
