I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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