A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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