How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The best revenge is premature balding
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
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My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
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HE'S GAY. AND 40.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?