I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
