Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize