so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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