toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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