I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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