the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
