Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize