he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
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He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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