I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
