matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
