Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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