you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
