I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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