she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
