I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
