I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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