she was so not down for the gang bang
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
