Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
