Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
mondays should just be called national damage control day
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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