I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
