Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
