I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs