you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
