Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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