You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i think my cat just said my name.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
