I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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