That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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