yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
