Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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