I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
