Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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