i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
